this is what's wrong with me

Thursday, March 13, 2014

here's the thing about me: i'm a terribly impulsive person. i get these ideas in my head (hey! i miss our old house, let's move back there. oh! i really want to learn how to crochet, please excuse me while I spend $25 at hobby lobby stocking up on supplies i'll never use) and they get stuck there, like glue. they don't budge.

that is until someone (usually my husband brings me back down to earth).

i did recently express my serious desire to move back to our old house. it was where our love story began. it is our taste. we own it. its size is more manageable. it's closer to dom's parents. i was so caught up in everything that our current house wasn't, forgetting why i fell in love with it and moved here in the beginning.

i was drowning in this need to move back to north las vegas, even though we have the absolute ideal rental situation there, even though we much prefer the area of town we are now in. i was drowning, and needed to hear that it just wasn't going to happen. once i overheard those words from my husbands lips (in a casual situation amongst friends), and knew it wasn't an option, i stopped struggling. my feet touched ground again. i took in great big gasps of air.

having children significantly dampens ones ability to be impulsive. there are schedules to be adhered to, bills to be paid by a now one income household. the time and effort that it takes to take a baby anywhere certainly makes me question whether or not I really need to go to target again this afternoon.

and yet. this impulsivity isn't going to just fade away. it's a part of me as much as my brown hair and eyes are.

what i need is to find a way to channel the energy. to put it to good use.

the high school version of me would pour it into writing her next short story or poem. the very-nearing-30-years-old version of me hasn't the foggiest clue where to go from here. there are only so many minutes in each day, and only a handful of those are baby free.

we all live in these moments, where we aren't doing well, where we aren't in the best place. we all get through them and climb out on the other side.

some days i feel like i've done so very little (beyond raising that little bean of mine). getting up in the morning and pouring a cup of coffee almost feels like too much to take on.

no one talks about this side of being a mother. or at least if they are, i'm not within earshot. no one tells you that you can be the most bored you've ever been, but the busiest at the same time. no one tells you that you may not be the type of woman who is satisfied and fulfilled by giving all their time to their child. no one tells you that it's okay for you to love your child more than life itself, but still want to go back to work.

for the longest time i used to think that getting in a half hour bubble bath with a glass of wine at the end of the day meant you were living the life. if your husband loved you and you slept together often, if your children were healthy and growing and learning, if you had family nearby to spend time with, if you had a roof over your head and food on the table, hobbies to keep you content; well then you had it made, let me tell you.

so what's missing?

sure, i'm chugging along. slower than others, but at least i'm moving.

impulsive-nearing-thirty-years-old me is freaking the hell out. where is the balance in life? when does it get easier? when do i stop feeling like no matter what i do, it's not enough?


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  1. I don't know that it gets easier, I just think that we learn more and more about ourselves with each year that passes. At 40, I definitely don't feel like I've got life figured out, but I do feel like I understand myself a bit better. Your impulsive nature is a part of you that I bet is a very good thing sometimes. :)

  2. You just echoed my soul, Mrs. Rachel. I too am incredibly incredibly impulsive. It's how I've managed to move to so many countries - sheer determination and stubbornness. And I feel exactly the same about being a mother - the monotony sometimes kills me. I am a planner and a daydreamer and I don't have nearly as much time for that as I used to. I also feel a lot of guilt when I am not fully satisfied with "just" being a mother. Isn't this be my calling? Shouldn't this be enough? Somehow it's not.

    I'm also going through a rough patch. A very rough patch, really, right now. My former self is also catching up with my present self, and I'm needing to learn new ways to "cope" with life that aren't in my arsenal. Having a child really does shake up your very existence.

    1. at the very least i always know you will understand how i feel

  3. I think one of the most vital thngs I've learned is that it's perfectly OK to say, "this isn't quite enough". It doesn't mean you don't love what you have and feel gratitude for it; it doesn't mean that you want it all to go away. It means that your soul has GROWN and is ready to take on more. This is a good thing, though it can feel awful as you're working it out.

    One of the main symptoms, in my experience, is a wanting to go "back" to some time when you felt happier or more yourself. There's no going back, of course, but it is possible to look at exactly what made you love that place or time or self so much, and strive to add more of that to the present. That often will get rid of the miserable bored feeling, and lead you closer to discovering what the next awesome life step will be.

    1. that last paragraph... it got me thinking so much. i might have to write some more based off of that.

      thank you for commenting, violetta.

  4. Dare I say it doesn't get easier? It gets different, but yet stays the same. When you get it all in balance, it goes out of balance. Such is life. And it's worth it all.

  5. Your honesty is so beautiful, R. So much love for you.

  6. I was exactly where you are now a couple of years back. Completely unfulfilled. Finding it so difficult to admit that the only exciting thing in my day was watching my child make a drawing. Feeling unaccomplished and filling that hole with food (bad) or (worse) alcohol. Having to ask my husband for spending money when I had a career that I worked my butt off for before, until I threw it all to the wind to follow my husband halway across the globe. Not being home, not having any support. It's awful! BUT, hang in there, push through the ugly, because it DOES GET BETTER. My kids are now 8 and 5 and it is amazing how much more 'me' time I have now. So trust me, you will be fine and you are enough. I'm Canadian too and in Quebec where I'm from mothers like me are call themselves 'mères indignes' (unfit mothers) proudly, in a tongue-in-cheek kind of way, just to say : you are doing ok, don't freak out, you will pull through and you children will be fine. Good luck!

    1. i'm definitely understanding how you filled your time with more alcohol. i'm certainly drinking more than I did before having a baby. i mean its one glass but most nights than not!

  7. I just found your blog through another and I'm quite happy I landed here! Always nice to find another Rachel (:

    I, too, struggle with being impulsive and restless with life. I usually end up taking it out on my appearance in some way (hair cut or color, clothes, tattoos, nail polish, etc) and that seems to quiet the thoughts for a little while. That's how I can tell I need to change something up (something more substantial, that is), when I find myself perusing stores and planning my next hair or tattoo appointment. Symptoms of a bigger issue.

    1. taking it out on your appearance, that's funny :) whatever works, right?!


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